Browndomly Selected

How to terrorize muslims.

2009-08-31T20:50:00.001-07:00

Gym Lockerbie closing

2009-08-23T20:20:00.001-07:00

I'm so fat my gym released me on compassionate grounds.

khandomlyselected.

2009-08-17T13:49:00.000-07:00

Seems like even our boy SRK can get brwndomlyselected.

http://edition.cnn.com/2009/US/08/15/indian.actor/index.html

As a sign of protest Shah Rukh is changing the names of some of his movies to

"INS To Pagal Hai"
"Dilwale Civil rights Le Jayenge "
"Kuch Bush Hota Hai"
"Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Racially Profiled "
"Kal Ho Na Ho I hate you immigration Hoes"
and
"Kabhi Alqaeda Na Kehna"

Into the Red.....

2008-10-22T09:29:00.000-07:00

HOW CAN A 300$ ticket have 469$ in taxes....!!

Below you see the total taxes and fees amount for one passenger broken down into its components. Please note, that all the taxes and fees are shown in the specified local currency. The tickets, however, are issued in EUR, so there may be differences due to currency fluctuations.
Immigration User Fee (XY) USD 7.00
Fuel and Security Surcharge (YQ) USD 264.00
Air Passenger Duty (APD) (GB) USD 68.66
Passenger Facility Charge (XF) USD 4.50
Airport Security Charge (DE) USD 15.06
Transportation Tax (US) USD 15.40
Passenger Service Charge (UB) USD 33.73
APHIS User Fee (XA) USD 5.00
Customs User Fee (YC) USD 5.50
Passenger Service Charge - Intl (RA) USD 32.45
Passenger Civil Aviation Security Service Fee (AY) USD 2.50
Transportation Tax (US) USD 15.40
Total USD 469.20

Dawgference.

2008-02-25T10:17:00.000-08:00

Dawgference: A meeting to discuss significant life changing events with your boyz.

Green Peace on Earth

2007-12-25T22:14:00.000-08:00

Maybe we should plant a tree to commemorate rather than cut one down.

Pope vs the Dalai Lama

2007-10-29T22:41:00.000-07:00

If the Pope gets his own Pope Mobile what does the Dalai Lama get?

. .

Low Spam Count

2007-09-29T13:40:00.000-07:00

Anyone with a hotmail address probably knows when Micro'evil'soft sold the hotmail address list to the highest bidder. Since then my hotmail has been always deluged with spam. I noticed that the vast majority of spam seem to be of a viagra/cialis solicitation or 'growth' nature.

Unfortunately if you have msn messeger, each incoming message translates to a flashing message on your screen with the subject matter, which in turns translates to almost strobe-like, hyptonic, suggestive, subliminal message:

So everyday your subconscious mind is being bombarded with various versions of the following :

Sick and Tired of Being Inadequate?

Can't satisfy your girl ?

Does your wife think you're no longer a man?

Is your Titanic sinking?

Do you put the 'E.D' in Bed? ( I actually made this one up....I think its pretty good)

And various other versions which I cannot reveal in a family restaurant.

It's beginning to get to me. I need to either lower my spam count or might have to seriously consider increasing my sperm count.

Whats in a name?

2007-08-31T11:40:00.001-07:00

I think the Muslim world needs an image consultant or needs to hire an advertising firm for marketing purposes. We have enough issues with people judging. We should not exasperate them by naming our shwarma carts names such as these:

I love Hummus.

2007-07-16T16:20:00.001-07:00

Instant Crisis.

2007-07-08T21:11:00.001-07:00

This is how to get an instant existential crisis:

**********************************************************
From: Faith *&^( Sent: COMPANY WIDE
Thursday, June 28, 2007 4:44 PM
To: BP-CARYSubject: July's Reasons to Celebrate
Importance: High

JULY’S REASONS TO CELEBRATE

Company Anniversaries –

Nabeel Sami July 8th 10 Years
Wendy Tiwell July 10th 1 Year
Corey O’Malley July 23rd 3 Years

Please join me in wishing well and congratulating those celebrating the above dates.

HR/Finance Administrator.

*****************************************************************

TB or not TB ....Muslim

2007-06-07T07:59:00.000-07:00

http://www.cnn.com/2007/POLITICS/06/07/tb.borders/index.html

So let's say this guy who is all over the news for 'mistakenly' travelling around the world with TB just happened to be muslim....

See how your own perception changed...? Shows how much work you have to do....

What about the media perception.... I think our friend Andrew Speaker should try a social experiment by saying " I'm actually a muslim and my is Adnan Shakir. "

WHERE THE HELL IS WINNIE COOPER?

2007-05-31T13:40:00.001-07:00

A suidouble mate.

2007-04-16T13:32:00.000-07:00

The wait is finally over. I have finally found the love of a lifetime. Years of listless searching for the perfect mate have finally ended. This person is everything I was looking for, and is perfect for me. Let me count the ways:

fits the browndomly selected 'mate profile' that I have ridiculously set

is nice and well mannered as well as extremely attractive to me

is well-travelled and educated in both the practicalities of life and the aesthetics

loves both their family and their independence

tries to mix their life with both culture and sports with a healthy side of philanthropy

is both fiercely patriotic and sensitive to all peoples.

speaks a host languages including their own mother tongue well

has the humility carry a conversation with a 'CEO' or a 'BUA' at the same level

makes me want to be a better person

brings a wonderful fusion of east and west together.

brings joy to the people around them and thinks about others before themselves

has a heart that finds more pleasure in giving than recieving

inspires me

enjoys having the top down on a convertible

can leap over a shoe box in a single bound

understands my every need and desire

has an incredible self-deprecating sense of humor

did I say is ridiculously good looking?

The following is a picture of the two of us together.

Bring on the hatemail.

CLAUSTRO'FOB'IA

2007-04-08T22:36:00.001-07:00

CLAUSTRO'FOB'IA : The fear of being surrounded by too many FOBs.

I think a lot of my friends are suffering from this self-hating disease.

Hello Nancy Boy...

2007-03-30T07:42:00.000-07:00

So a lot of times when I speak to my esteemed colleagues in my industry they ask for my email. I will say my email is nsami@xyz.com.

Inevitably they will all say

"Is that 'N' as in Nancy ? "

Why does this bother me so...?

Energy Consumption

2007-03-15T19:24:00.000-07:00

Why not rename this to the Dhaka Central Jail and save on transportation costs?

Browndomly selected.

2007-03-15T09:14:00.000-07:00

Looks like two of Pakistan's spearhead attack were 'browndomly selected' for tests:

http://content-usa.cricinfo.com/wc2007/content/current/story/285365.html

Does ICC stand for In**** Cricket Conspiracy...? :D

Enjoy the world cup!

Yo momma again

2007-02-20T09:36:00.001-08:00

Yo momma so fat when she sat down behind us during the movie, the theatre tilted the other way.

Why is this still called a STEAM roller?

2007-02-12T08:26:00.000-08:00

Waiting for Godo HL.

2007-02-03T10:08:00.000-08:00

So I killed another Laptop. And IBM said they would send a DHL person over to pick up. DHL called me and said they would show sometime between 6 and 9 pm! So I cleared my calendar. ;). Anyway the guy shows up at 6:03 pm. He is 6 ft 3, has this huge DHL jacket on, his pants are almost to his knees and and he has headphones on which are blasting hip hop music. We proceed to have a conversation about the laptop (he doesnt take the headphones off or turn down the music) and he adddresses me as 'man' like 15 times. Then takes the laptop and takes off saying I don't get a reciept cuz its an online order and I can track it online after 630pm. I have a nagging feeling I might have just been conned....

Anyway the point is how come I feel cheated out of my evening. I feel like I should have waited longer. Thanks to america's cable tv crew's work ethic when someone says they will show up between 6-9 you expect to slot that entire time to them. And when they show up at 603pm you feel strangely cheated.

Mysterious East

2007-01-21T08:58:00.000-08:00

The reason the east is called 'Mysterious' is because no-one knows where the smell is coming from.

My fraudband connection here in the eastern hemisphere prevents regular entries. Back soon.

Speaking of neighbours.

2006-12-22T10:07:00.000-08:00

I have come to the realization that the proverbial girl next door is hideous.

Music to my ears.

2006-12-14T15:30:00.000-08:00

My neighbour finds my music moving.

He heard it and now wants to move.

Final Destination.

2006-12-05T12:21:00.000-08:00

1130 pm Monday.
NYC.
FDR South.
40 Mph.
Accelerator gets stuck.

I have a panic attack. Pedal is stuck on the floor. I continue accelerating and weaving through traffic at increasing speed. For about 10 blocks I tried pumping the accelerator but the throttle was stuck and the car kept accelerating. My life flashes before my eyes. I cold shifted it to neutral and disengaged the transmission...and as I kept weaving the car started slowing down with both of my feet on the brakes....took the UN exit on 49th street and pulled my handbrake as well.... car finally came screaming to a halt. I step out of the car shaking... so relieved to find myself back on the planet with all these wonderful human beings...the door man of the building runs up to me....Im thinking (as my adrenaline level drops) he will ask if Im okay and if I need anything considering the near death experience I had.

He walks up and his russian accent yells "YOU CAN'T PARK HERE!".
Welcome back. It sucks down here.

Mama

2006-11-29T10:47:00.000-08:00

Yo mamma so poor her cholestrol check bounced.

It's not you, it's GEICO.

2006-11-20T15:00:00.000-08:00

A couple of weeks ago I got pulled over by the NYPD. There was no cause. I hadn't done anything wrong. Might have been because of my plates.

Anyway he proceeded with to tell that my plates were SUSPENDED;even though I had a valid registration and insurance. Apparently when I changed addresses and changed insurances I didn't notify my old insurance company that I was leaving them for a better company. They got miffed and went ahead and told DMV that I violated the law and had no insurance when the truth was I had switched to GEICO. Apparetly because of that my plates were suspended. Well in true New York Pig Department (NYPD)way he gave me a 'criminal summons' even though he knew it was just a bureaucratic mixup.

Today was my court date and it was traumatic.

Now please note that in my defense... in the last two years I haven't visited an INS office... I don't ride the subway...hell I dont even go to wendys anymore...

Midtown Manhattan Courthouse. Im surrounded by crackheads, muggers, assault and battery people,public urinators, prostitutes, drunken and disorderlies and weapons possession violators. I was there for 6 hours wondering what bureaucratic red tape nightmare landed me here and if it was going to get worse. A crackwhore next to me kept asking me every 10 minutes ..."Whats the time man..." hissing through her rotting teeth...so I moved ....sat next to a chinese guy ....who proceeded to keep farting .... turned out he was in for carrying a concealed knife. I watched the proceedings as the judge senteced people in front of me to jail time, fines, community service and I kept thinking where in Twilight Fargin Zone am I.

Anyway 6 hours later finally the judge called up my case. I went up there and showed my reciept from DMV showing I had insurance. He, the bailiff and the DA gave me a incredulous look that said what the hell are you doing here and then said case dismissed and asked me to leave.

Lesson learnt. I didn't know that you have to follow some breakup protocol when you leave someone. If you dont it might land you in the criminal court system. Now I'm wiser and have prepared a breaking up document.

*****************************************************
Dear Liberty or Ms X.

This is notify you that we can't see each other anymore. Youre nothing close to what Im looking for. You bring nothing to the table. I have spent lots of time with you and am still unable to find anything resembling a heartbeat. Youre obsessed with yourself and would bring nothing positive to improve my life. Im looking for the one and you're a distant zero. So please dont call me, email me, write me letters, and especially send me a bill. I am hereby breaking up with you. It's not me...it's you. And oh yeah I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance.

Pimpslist.

2006-11-10T15:52:00.000-08:00

I saw the following on CRAIGSLIST new york /free section: Someone was giving away furniture apparently. I wonder how many men responded.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FREE ONE NIGHT STAND.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply to: sale-xxxxxx@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-11-01, 5:00PM EST

Free if you show up and take it, I would rather someone use it than just throw it out; it is in good condition and has years of life left...

Thanks,
ann

this is in or around Bronxville

no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

contact: xx@anon.com

Power Vacuum in Bangladesh

2006-10-31T05:45:00.000-08:00

Poo Poo Platter

2006-10-26T11:17:00.000-07:00

I lived in the middle kingdom and I've had every kind of food imaginable to man but I think the Chinese finally took it too far. This picture is from an exotic theme restaurant in Shenzen.

I'm a survivor...I'm gonna make it...

2006-10-19T09:22:00.000-07:00

A beautiful friend of mine mentioned the newest survivor series recently. Apparently the 'tribes' are based on races. There is a white tribe that competes against the black tribe and an 'asian' tribe (made out of people from Korea,China and Japan). I inquired about the 'brown' tribe and where they were. Then I realized, they are on a whole different show, on a whole different island.

OutPray. OutLast. OutViolate the geneva convention.

I don't even know who Jim is.

2006-10-11T20:54:00.000-07:00

When I grow up I want to be a BOWFLEX model.

What's in a name?

2006-10-02T13:42:00.000-07:00

On my drive from Albany to NY I drove past this town. If people who live in New York are called New Yorkers what are people who live here called?

English lesson for the day

2006-08-31T13:00:00.000-07:00

The opposite of 'CAREGIVER' is 'CARETAKER' ?

Aspercreme

2006-08-11T08:25:00.000-07:00

Aspercreme lagao. Enough said.

Urduwallah.

Tylemucil.

2006-08-08T19:46:00.000-07:00

I wish Metamucil and Tylenol would merge so I could buy something to get my head out of my ass and start writing again.

Does your dog bite...?

2006-06-16T11:10:00.000-07:00

Im thinking of getting a dog and calling it "CanIgetyournumber'.

Putting the Slave ship on cruise control

2006-06-08T08:30:00.001-07:00

Captains Log.

Home the final frontier. These are the voyages of the corporate slave. To boldy increase his earnings /effort ratio, maximize his vacation time and somehow leave corporate politics,backstabbing,face-time and brown-nosing behind. In the quest for attaining work 'nirvana' home is the final frontier.

I will be 'working' permanently from home as of now.

IT WAS A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT...

2006-06-03T08:04:00.000-07:00

yesterday. Seriously.

FACE OFF

2006-05-16T08:23:00.000-07:00

WHY NOT MAKE THE GILLETTE MACH 10 AND CALL IT A DAY ALREADY?

The FRIDGE is OOOOUUUTTT!!!!

2006-05-09T19:35:00.000-07:00

The bad tax karma continues. Spent an hour cleaning out my fridge yesterday. Once I had it spotless and shining, I took to breaking up the ice in the freezer. Since patiently watching the ice melt wasn't an option (apparently thats the normal thing to do), I took a spatula to it and when that didn't work I went Industrial Strength on it. A couple of hits with the hammer and screw driver there was a loud hiss. I hit one of the pipes and the freon leaked. Apparently the caveman approach to life has become extinct for a reason...

By the way is freon poisonous? I know its odorless and colorless. Fridging A!!!

May Day.... A journey to the dark side.

2006-05-01T13:04:00.000-07:00

As the 'immigrants' walk out on work and protest their exploitation, I embark on a little social experiment. For the month of May - 'Just Say No.' To everything. Favors for Friends, Family all cut off. I will explore my darker selfish side and also find my son Luke.

Joe momma so dumb she got her taxes done at Blockbuster.

2006-04-17T15:49:00.000-07:00

For the longest time I was obsessed with doing my own taxes. I have a finance degree... if they expect the entire population to do this, why couldn't someone with half a brain, and an 80,000 $ degree be able to do something that is apparently so 'simple'. Anyway a bunch of pathetic returns later I thought I would give the 'experts' a shot. Since I had too much going on financially this year I thought it would be the perfect time to try. So in my anal retentive, control freak, variable reducing way I did my own taxes first then went to the resident 'expert' at H&R Block to compare. He was a complete Dumpkopf... Half the time I was telling him what to do, and what forms he should use..... Anyway at the end he ended up getting less money back than I did and when I showed him that he insisted on redoing the whole thing. After fudging the numbers, (especially my rental property),zero-padding and what I felt like was pulling deductions out of his assuring me he wasnt doing anything wrong, he ended up getting a 1000 more than I was (after paying his 400$ commision.) I was very hesistant signing it but he said it was all 'legitimate'. Well since then I haven't been able to sleep comfortable thinking this 'expert's 'manipulations' werent exactly 'halal'.

Well Karma is a bee with an itch..... My tenant from my rental property called me tonight and said the fridge had died and I needed to buy a brand new one....$1000 easy come ...easy go...

A picture is worth a thousand propoganda leaflets....

2006-04-06T11:26:00.000-07:00

Objects in the rear view mirror are losing...

2006-03-27T20:52:00.000-08:00

Took a road trip to Boston this weekend. On the way, I travelled at night, less traffic, less stress and a larger possibilty of picking up some crazies. Now before u think I'm some serial hitchhiker-killer hear me out... Crazies are speeders that typically come out late at night when the lanes are open, traffic is light and the pigs are snoozing. Pick up one and you've reduced your risk of getting caught by 50%. Pick up 4 and you have an interesting adrenalized evening. A Mitsubishi Evo, a Subaru WRX Turbo, an Acura Integra and the Spyder. Connecticut passed by in a flash of convoy style, formation, precision speed driving. It is very important to use ur indicators at 125...especially with three guys around you mimicking your every move....

Boston- NYC 2 hrs 25 minutes.

And the price? Tolls Paids to use HOV (Highly Obscene Velocity) Lane- 310 $ payable to Massachussets State Police who clocked me 'braking' at 96 in a 65 zone ...on my way to Boston.

Remarkable stuff a google search will dig up:

Antisocial personality disorder (APD or ASPD) is a psychiatric diagnosis that interprets antisocial and impulsive behaviours as symptoms of a personality disorder.
The behaviors exhibited in this disorder--diffuse aggression, impulsiveness, and
disregard for norms and laws-contribute to unsafe driving. (See references 62 through 64 and 67 through 72.) The antisocial person’s often inappropriate quest for excitement and risk-taking behavior adds to the danger. The following diagnostic criteria are of special concern: (1) failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behavior (traffic laws and safe driving practices); (2) irritable, aggressive, pugnacious, assaultive behavior (overly aggressive driving); (3) recklessness regarding safety, e.g., driving while intoxicated or recurrent speeding.

p.s In case there are any troopers reading this... this is a work of fiction, officer and no I haven't been drinking and I don't have anything in the trunk.

Karmic Threads

2006-03-22T09:54:00.000-08:00

"A butterfly taking flight somewhere may cause a hurricane somewhere else " -

So my blog on Monday March 06 included a quote from Zoolander -
"There must be more to life than being really really good looking.... and I'm going to find out what that is."

Then the next blog was all about shipping Nemo to Malaysia.

Then I get this in my email ... about 50 people fwd it to me...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/business/4802796.stm

Funny how good looks, Malaysia, and being 'browndomly selected' to be banned from travelling are all tying up together. Hey Kamal, why can't u guys keep a hold on your women there...;). I REALLY WANT TO VISIT.

p.s. BTW...Didn't Zoolander want to assasinate the prime Minister of Malaysia? Deep Karmic threads....

"I wish I knew how to quit you".... Losing Nemo.

2006-03-13T11:37:00.000-08:00

I had to baby-sit a cat for a friend for few days. It was quite an experience. After getting over the initial scrambling of getting food/litter for the cat and preparing to take care of another living thing, then waiting for it stop freaking out about being in a brand new place, things settled down. 'Nemo' began finding his way around my 'expansive' studio. Little by little his mannerisms and quirks started getting the best of me. The way he would try and rip open my prized persian rug, or play hide and seek underneath my bed, or freak out every time the door bell rang, or took to my captains chair like it was his personal throne. Which is what brings me to one of my points...Society has driven it into our heads(or at least my head...or maybe its just the voices in my head) that a straight man should have reservations about how he expresses his feelings for another male. So when it came to a cat that was male for some reason it felt awkard saying stuff like :

"He is so cute. " - "He is rubbing up against my leg. " "I wish he was mine" "Look at the way he is cuddling up against me"

I ended up trying to refer to Nemo as a female

Anyway after coordinating with three other friends to get his paperwork/healthwork in order I took him to Newark Cargo where they made me wait a mind numbing 4 and half hours before they finally took Nemo in. (I think I know why Homeland Security doesn't worry about Cargo...an "enemy combatant" would get bored to death before they could do anything). I spent those 4 hours sitting by his cage re-assuring him that everything would be ok in his 18 hour plus cross continental 692$ in cash flight. As they took him away Nemo meowwed a sad goodbye at me.

I'm really going to miss him.... err.......it.

Browndom Quote

2006-03-06T13:33:00.000-08:00

Mahatma Gandhi said : "There must be more to life than being really really good looking.... and I'm going to find out what that is."

Wait ... that was Zoolander.

Accelerate Your Life. Die Early.

2006-03-01T10:43:00.000-08:00

Has anyone else noticed how NBA games telecast on TV are peppered with ads from the armed forces? Of course the glitzy, high octane, adrenaline pumped ads depicting young men taking control of their lives and moving upwards and forwards are a great gimmick and just another aspect of our new world order. What I why wonder is why the targeted audience.... young 'urban' males who watch basketball. How come there are no such ads after the OC? or Gilmore girls? Anyway targeted marketing aside... I think the ads should be changed slightly to reflect reality.

For example:

'NAVY. Accelerate your life.' change it 'NAVY. Accelerate your life. Die Early.'

'The Few, The Proud ...the Marines.' - to 'The Fewer, The Proud, The Marines.'

'ARMY.' 'An Army of One' to ARMY. 'An Army of One'.

Infantifadah....

2006-02-22T09:49:00.000-08:00

One good turn deserves a shower.....

2006-02-16T09:37:00.000-08:00

On my six week winter vacation I flew through Dubai. As I got off the plane for my 6 hour stopover, I noticed a woman fumbling with her multiple carry-ons. I offered to help her and immediately the regrets began. She had four bags (funny, they allowed me only one). She gave two of them and along with my own it was quite a heavy load. She was a small, stocky, lady around 40, and quite the pocket battleship. As soon as we started walking she started talking away and wouldn't stop. She told me how she was a fashion designer in Pakistan and just coming back from a show in NewYork and how she had another show in Dubai in January. And that her flight was in the next 30 minutes and she needed to get to her gate right away. The first time I had major regrets was two minutes later when she got into a fight with some people in line who were trying to get through security. She wanted to cut in line cuz her flight was soon and she got into it with a few people. The second fight was at security where she proceeded to give them a hollering(kinda justified) about why they have a whole another security level when all we were doing were transferring flights. By this time I was trying to distance myself as much as possible from here but still carrying her 3 ton bags. All this time she kept complaining to me and everyone else who would listen about how she had no time to catch her flight. So the next thing that happened completely blew my mind. We finally got through security and started rushing towards her gates when she was like " I want to get something from DUTY FREE ".

After my initial shock, and another pang of regret in getting stuck helping her , I told her she didnt have time and she would miss the flight. She proceeded to say " No, I'll make it to the flight ....just help me..." Reluctantly I lugged all her stuff back on the detour towards duty free cursing my luck and the stupid samaritan above my right shoulder. So she went duty free shopping and proceeded to dump all the stuff she brought into the bags I was carrying instead of hers. Then came the straw that broke the camel's back. She got into her third fight with the clerk of the duty free over 1 $. We probably spent 10 minutes there as she argued over and over with the guy about exchange rates and how he was cheating her out of her money. The guy kept looking at me for help and I just shrugged my shoulders showing I was as helpless as he was. At that point I had come to the end of my line. I seriously considered abandoning her by making up some excuse like I was getting late for my flight. Then somethign stopped me and I thought that I wasn't really doing this for her but for a higher cause. So I kept my mouth shut. We then went and ran to the gate, where I helped her get all her stuff together. As I wished her a good trip, and was looking to make a quick exit, she called me back. She said ' thank you for helping' and handed me an Emirates First Class Lounge voucher saying "enjoy ...I didnt get a chance to use it".

So during my 6 hr break on my 24 hr trip home...I hung out at the First Class Lounge ...had three full course meals... used the internet...made some phone calls....took a little nap....and then for the best part took a shower in my own private bathroom.

Meet the Fakhr

2006-02-10T12:04:00.000-08:00

I used an agent to get my UK visa for me, as apparently they have the inside track and don't have to wait for an appointment. When I first called him he gave me his address and when I asked him his name he said "Fakhr"...I was like "excuse me?"..he said his name was Fakhr. I giggled like a little girl for the next two days. The next time I called, his secretary said Mr Fakhr is not in...More uncontrollable giggling for one full day...and the last time I called I asked for him by his full name Mr Fakhruddin and he said "Yes, this is Fakhr."

Anyway he got me my visa (as well as this splitting ache in my side from giggling..)... and Ill be glad to refer to anyone..."I know this Fakhr"

Claire Voyante?

2006-02-03T07:39:00.000-08:00

Last night I had a dream which I remember distinctly. I was on a ferry at night and there was a huge celebration and show going on. In fact in classic dream fashion I couldnt find a way to get off the revolving stage. Finally just as I was about to jump into the water by desperation, I saw a another huge boat come barrelling towards us and collide. Our ferry sank in seconds and I was the first one into the water as I watched the ferry sink below me. I looked and looked for other survivors but none came and then a few minutes later people started swimming up to the surface. I helped a man with a broken arm as the few survivors started coming up and hanging to a big plastic railing that was there for some reason. The dream ended there.

I woke up this morning and turned my pc on with the memories of the dream still in my head. This was in the headlines:

http://www.cnn.com/2006/WORLD/meast/02/03/egypt.ship/index.html

Hedge Funds

2005-12-03T15:38:00.000-08:00

Living in the middle of the city you don't have too many choices when you want to play ball. We played at the 26th and 2nd avenue basketball courts right underneath the projects a few times this summer. If you play a pick up game there, you better bring your A-game cuz they don't mess around. Anyways, after one such game a friend of mine walked off the court to see that someone had swiped his wallet from his bag. Of course we immediately started looking around but to no avail. Just when we had given up, this 14 year old girl walked up to us and said "Yo... I saw some kids take your wallet...I can get it back for you..............for 20$!". At the point my friend had little choice. He needed his credit cards/driver license etc. So he borrowed $20 from us and paid the girl. She proceeded to skip over to the hedges way in the back and picked up the wallet and returned it to my friend. Of course there was no cash left in it but he got back his cards and license. Old fashioned hustle. So from now... no cell phones or wallets we only take change for a gatorade...

The Poseidon mis-adventure

2005-11-21T12:19:00.000-08:00

When I was a kid I used to love disaster movies. They would combine drama and suspense with characterization in a way that would make for good mindless entertainment. One of my favorites was The Poseidon Adventure. A story of a cruise ship capsized by a freak wave, and the ensuing fight for survival by a group of desperate passengers as they try to get out of an upside down ship that is slowly sinking. Last night NBC did a TV remake of the 1972 masterpiece. Almost everything followed the 1972 story line except for one glaring difference. NBC's cruise ship Poseidon wasn't flipped over by a freak wave but by a terrorist bomb snuck on board by a couple of brown guys. The protagonist in NBC's movie was a Homeland Security agent which I found hilarious. I wonder why they didn't pick something else to flip the ship that was in the news recently - like a FREAK WAVE. Anyways I guess thats the reality of post 9-13 America or was that 9-11....

Great Hike on the Long Wall.

2005-11-16T12:40:00.000-08:00

The trip to China was topped off by the obligatory trip to the Great Wall. But instead of going to the regular haunts which are always crawling with tourists we decided to do an Xtreme sports hike route. After a two and half journey on a bus which had no suspension at all we arrived at Simatai.
After equipping ourselves like mountaineers (mostly with lots of bottled water) we headed off on a 4 hour, winding, knee-busting, acl surgery justifying, up and down hike along the crumbling remains of China's Great Wall.

Along the way, we picked up our dedicated marketing consultants. These were local entrepreneurs that would walk alongside you trying to sell u everything in the book. (water,food,postcards as well as the book too). In something that looked straight out of the Discovery channel's wildlife shows, a pack of them descended on us and after an initial sniffing around period , paired off with each one of us as if picking out prey. Then they proceeded to join us on every step on our hike even helping us climb stuff every now and then and fanning us when we rested. Now this kinda beat the point of coming all the way out here to get away from the crowd so we were all a little annoyed. We tested them(by refusing to buy anything and focusing on our hike) to see how long they came with us but what we didn't count on was the classic pincer pattern they were running. Just when you thought you had outwalked your stalker, you would suddenly see someone new ahead waiting for you. A significant portion into the hike on the wall they had colleagues waiting to tag off and who just took over where they left off. I work in Marketing and that is what I call making a sale. Who says communists don't like capitalism.
Anyways it turns out we needed them to replenish our water suppply and buy cheap postcards from so it was all good. About an hour into it they left us alone once a sale was made.

We kept truding on, finally alone, up and down thousands of stairs, winding along the hills and valleys, imagining what it must have been for the empires soldiers running up and down the walls with equipment. After a short lunch comprised of throat burning english mustard sandwiches with wet bread we continued on taking some nice pictures along the way. At the end of the hike, we were faced with a choice, you could walk down another 15 minutes or brave
the zip line they had set up that dropped a good 500ft to the bottom. Some of the crazier ones amongst us tried it and it was blast. Though strapping on to a small rusting metal ring, in the pouring rain, 500 ft above a drop to my death, run by a kid, did make me think that this definitely ain't Epcot Center. Drenched by a rainstorm at the end we made our trip back to our air suspension bus and the long trip back to the hotel.

Romy and Michelle call in fat.

2005-09-30T11:20:00.000-07:00

Day 4 brought us back to our roots. A tour of the our high school. Our old campus had moved to brand new specially constructed facility in the Shunyi district. We visited the newer campus first and were blown away by the size and the amount of facilities. Seeing the contrast between a tiny school with a graduating class of 5 people to one that accomodates nearly 3000 students was quite a shocker. They had all the facilities we dreamt about. Swimming pool, auditorium, a huge library, a grass soccer pitch instead of the gravel rock minefield we used to have, and of course varsity sports jackets....sigh.

Thoroughly impressed and a little detached after seeing the new campus we headed off to see the old haunts where surprises awaited us.

The building facade had changed color and when we walked into the front door into the glossy lobby we were greeted by employees of 'Bodyworks'...an all inclusive health and fitness facility for obese chinese children.

As we walked around on our tour we saw some very large young girls doing stepaerobics in our old music room, 200 lb boys thundering away on treadmills where the elementary art classes were, and extremely overweight teenagers stretching out their muscles in what used to be our cafeteria. The entire facility, all four floors, was catered to these rich overweight children, including lounges, labs, medical facilities, and dining services that catered special meals to the dieting children.
Apparently obese children are becoming a cultural epidemic in the new China. Contributing factors include the one child a family policy, which leaves Grandma, Grandpa,Grandma,Grandpa, Mom and Dad to stuff only one spoilt mouth with goodies. The abundance and adoption of high calorie western fast food coupled with disposable income is apparently another factor. The fourth floor where our classes used to be is the medical wing right now. My homeroom and physics and math teacher, Mr. Marchetti used to have a saying "Push forward the frontiers of science!"...he would yell out during the middle of class.... well we went to visit his old classroom....its now a cat-scan room....looks like someone pushed a little too far....

Red Square

2005-09-15T19:42:00.000-07:00

Day three was spent making the necessary pilgrimage to Tiananmen square. The square, the target of so many of our youthful shenanigans, as well as other more significant events remains the same. Crowds throng to see the 'Maosoleum' where the chairman lies covered in wax, the PLA honor guard marches up and down before the square opens up to the public..a not so subtle reminder of who really is in charge here. After the customary photography sessions we headed into the forbidden city where Roger Moore's voice beckoned to take a unaccented guided tour. Instead we picked the EZ pass lightning tour having seen the Forbidden City more times than the emperor himself.

The schedule called for a Hutong trip as well. Some of the group did the bicycle Hutong tour which I heard was both good and life threatening. I decided to skip that because my 43rd president was already hurting from sitting for 14 straight hours in a cramped airplane seat and I sure didn't want to get on a bicyle seat. We did a walking tour instead. Hutongs refer to the lanes or alleys, where old Beijing residents live in compounds with houses around a courtyard. They are a disappearing feature in the new expanding city of Beijing. Its too bad when I lived there 'they' frowned upon natives socializing with foreign devils...it would have been interesting to get to know China 'good earth' style.

Big Mao and Fries to go.....

2005-09-11T16:07:00.000-07:00

In the 12 years that I had been away from China one of the most significant changes that seem to have occurred is the Great Capitalist Leap Forward. When I left in 1993, the treasure chest that is the Chinese economy was just beginning to open up to the outside world. We were there for the opening of the first Mcdonalds, a behemoth of a store , right on the corner of Tiananmen Square. In the land of the mysterious east a big mac was exotic cuisine.

"Now all restaurants are Taco Bell...." err...I mean McDonalds. 12 years have bought a level of 'capitalist' punishment you wouldnt beleive. There is a franchise fast food store at every other corner including near the hutongs in Beijing. The beijing landscape which was always unique to me with its grey, blocky communist era buildings and their colorless facades is now a neon, glittering, smorgasboard of advertising and retail. Free market enterprise is everwhere and the city seems to be bursting with economic vitality. I think they've beaten the Russian model to reform by a mile. But in some ways its a little sad to say goodbye to the old quaint city.

There is even a fast food restaurant opposite the old diplomatic quarter called Uncle Sam. The chairman is probably turning in his grave...which he isn't even in. But I do have a confession to make. After a few consecutive days of having authentic chinese for every meal, my american stomach began craving for a nice fat juicy processed meat burger and I indulged. I will have you know that Big Mac in China tastes a billion times better than the garabage they have in the States. Most be something in the meat or the fact that they cater to an audience that treats the meal as a 'fancy' one.

Urine for a change...

2005-08-29T21:43:00.000-07:00

Day 3. I got a chance to ride the Chinese Subway again. The last ime I rode it was back around 1993 when I used to make my multiple hour, multiple modes of transportation solo trips to Beida University to play for the Bangladesh University Cricket Team. It was always a colorful trip, with my limited mastery of the language, coupled with a half assed idea of where I was really going, to getting to the subway and getting on a connecting bus and then waiting for our illustrious bad boy captain, Shakil Bhai to pick me up on his high speed motorcycle. One of my 'distinkt' memories of China was the experience of getting on public transportation. As a morning 'vitamin', a lot of locals would indulge in a nice chew of garlic. Being at close proximity,in an enclosed place, with a lot of people, who seemed hell-bent on assassinating Count Dracula with their breath was a harrowing experience.

Things have changed dramatically now. It seems that this habit is not as prevelant anymore...and the subways are dramatically clean and beautiful.

I live in NYC, where a subway trip is like getting on a sweaty, humid, urine swoaked, crazy town express with freaks on every corner. Beijing has left nyc far behind. Being the princess that I am, I upgraded from riding the NYC virus metro, to the NJ path train which is phenomenally better and (once my WTC station was removed by world politics) to the NY Water ferry,(which was a like a little harbor cruise every morning)....to the perfect commute I have now ( a 10 minute walk from 3rd avenue to 6th)....on the days I actually I make it in to work that is ..;)

Bull in a China Shop.... and Pork Surprise...

2005-08-25T21:42:00.000-07:00

Second half of day two was spent at the pearl market.... I still can't understand how women can spend all that time in one store and end up buying just one thing... I spent my time talking to my new Naval psychologist friend. It was a fun trip overall ... A few minutes into it and I was already haggling with the vendors.... One of the store owners , an old roundish chinese lady and I got into it over some pashminas I was going to buy for my mother and aunt...we went back and forth for a long time with her asking ridiculously high prices and me countering with ludicrously low ones.. towards the end she was so exasperated with my hard nose negotiating that she kept laughing and hitting me.... a good time was had by all and I ended up getting a good deal...and a sore forearm....
I wonder if I can do this in nyc...

Later that night we met the entire reunion posse for dinner at another chinese place...:).... it was wonderful to meet old friendly faces again....dinner was as usual a banquet.... but thanks to our fearless leader there were plenty of non chu-ro(pork) dishes for me... My memories of my past china studies trips are littered with a myriad of dishes- all made every part of a pig you can imagine....I used to presented with pig feet, tongue, ribs, snout, rump.. you name it... and the one dish we couldnt identify - it was safe to consider it Pork Suprise...so I used to just eat rice and hope the ONE chicken dish that was coming wouldn't be chicken claws like last time in Datong....

Running a reunion is a like running a ship that just finished hitting an iceberg... u need organization, attitude, effort, patience and more patience...(in the wake of some hissy fits) and my friend Justin had it all except for one thing...... an affinity for Harry Potter books. Thanks for the efforts Hoss.

Heaven under construction....

2005-08-23T00:41:00.000-07:00

Day 2. July 18 began with a traffic clogged trip to
the Temple of Heaven. We lost half of our group on the way there...guess we forgot every important place in China has four main Gates....

The temple itself was under restoration...so we couldnt see much....kinda prophetic ...the last time I was there Heaven was complete and now it needs a little bit of repair work before it shows itself....the other smaller sites were open though...as we waded through the humidity... I took some interesting pictures...when I grow up I want to be professional photographer.... and my first entry is the one below...

There and Back to Beijing.....

2005-08-22T23:40:00.000-07:00

This July we held the our annual high school reunion back in the Motherland. I guess all the reunions before that in a way tried to recapture the magic of our times there but this one was brute force total recall. Here are some notes:

Sat 16th July- Boarded a international flight for the first time since 2001. Was elated to leave homeland security behind....'no fly' list my eye. 13 Hours straight in a continental airlines synthetic chair is enough to drive a human being insane...(also I had to remind myself not to get up too suddenly to stretch) ...flight went over the north pole and at 1 billion ft altitude so looking out the window was inviting a cornea burn and an ozone shower...it would be much nicer if we traveled at that speed (600 Mph) at a 100 ft weaving in and out of traffic ..now that would be a ride I would pay for ....I wonder if I'd last 13 hours though......watched the same frasier episode 6 times.... and ravenously ate every single meal that came by including my friend's who was sitting next to me ...funny how doing absolutely nothing physical still makes me hungry....

Landed at a hazy Beijing International Airport... airport has changed a whole lot...I didnt recognize anything.....its huge...with grand entrances and facades .... immigration was a synch ...even though it was without a protocol officer doing all the work and I had no RED passport this time...good bye diplomatic immunity....another obvious thing was the PLA.... or lack there off...they used to be everywhere....I couldnt find any...and no guns ...or the ubiqutous AK-47...quite a change from the Orwellian States of America...

Driving to the hotel was like walking through a erector set toy store ....Skyscrapers seem to be going up everywhere....the skyline is changing rapidly...and of course traffic is insane.... before the only cars plowing the road were the small box shapped yellow cabs, the high powered diplomatic cars and the white plated police audi a4s.... now its packed with private cars...every make and every model...and all kinds of drivers....:)

Jet lag hit me like a truck around 4pm ...i was out like a light...and when I woke up I didnt know where I was...time, country or place....we went to dinner at a chinese place (ahem..) right next to Frank's Place...(which is still there)...got lost on the way there...ended up walking around near the worker stadium where we saw a bunch of people learning how to Ballroom dance on the pavement...only in the PRC....